The Newtonian Fraudulence

The following article was an entry in the creative writing competition of Riviera '10, that's our cultural festival. Feel free to comment....

When it comes to the art of fraudulent declarations, scams, gimmicks, bamboozles, cheap tricks and flim flams, none can dare accost the legacy of "Sir" Isaac Newton. Of his noteworthy contributions to humanity, the potence to profane knowledge and articulating scientific perversion stand tall among his diaphanous accolades.

The journey on the road less travelled by, for its being abundant in falsehoods began when Newton decided to pockmark scientific journals and manuscripts with his name in bold characters.

If memory serves legend has it that a humble apple named "Alice" deftly damaged the esoterics cranium, ever since he vowed to make it big in terms of science, mathematics, alchemy and every scope he could lay his fingers on. A career in treachery was inevitable, thereafter.

He started off with claims to having discovered "Gravity", a "mysterious" force that had initiated his "Apotheosis". And unlike the Copernican Heliocentric theory, this was as close to reality as he was to sanity. To for a terra firma for his otherwise groundless claims, he spent many days and nights worth of time, locked in his scientific asylum, coming up with the biggest mathematical fraud of all times.. He made this new science SO confusing, the firmest minds on the face of the planet could not grapple its nuances. His close associate, Leibnitz, with whom he staged a "dispute", "leaked" the first manuscripts of his art called "fluxions" by the name of "Calculus".

This was so well enacted a scheme, the Royal Society accepted the new "maths" which Newton published under the name "Philosophia Naturalis Principia Mathematica", in Latin, so a keen reader too would be inefficacious in discriminating fact from fiction.

The society for such mentally depraved individuals accepted the undisputed lampooner with arms wide open. And Calculus made him the most sought after man second to God himself. And within a few years, he complicated calculus beyond the point of no return, and now it stands as an object of fear and worship.

With fame and time in hand, he now spent his time in pursuing his alchemical aphorisms and this avocation turned to obsession in a matter of moments. Almost sure of turning wood into gold using a Gazelle's excretus, he was about to make a groundbaking discovery, yet again. But as is the law of fate, an esoteric is what esoteric does, his interests shifted their whims as oft as the winds change their direction. Playing around with anything scientific from lenses to levers, Newton spared none a moment of solitude and defying all logic, used them to even more whimsical ends.

Another obsessive compulsion he basked in was his desire to prove his complacency, and every theory he whipped up in extra perceptory testimonies, he named it after himself. He was a man whose egotism knew no bounds. Although antithetical to their raison detre, the "Royal Society" of mental marvels left no stones unturned to make sure their Idol's claims not go in vain.

Galloping towards blind idolatory by an insanity stricken populace, he soon earned the title of "Sir", having obtained knighthood. Memorials were built, statues erected, quotations carved and ideas propagated. The world witnessed a man in his primordial facade of brilliance. The words "Newton's Law" suffixed the greatest laws of thermodynamics, motion, optics, chemistry and mathematics. Although false, his claims had the potence to move the masses. What good is a lie that cannot be accepted?

The man of multifaceted interests, members of many hidden societies and leading the known ones, "Sir" Isaac Newton fulfilled his wish, and more. and standing in a rare Gladiatorial obstreperousness, he boldly spelt his conjectures and hypotheses for the world to follow blindly and pile encomiums on. We respect what we do not understand, and that itself made the people worship Newton and Newtonian principles.

His proclamation in a stubborn certitude of the falsehoods he concocted ensured an inherent acceptance of the illogical in part of his followers.

Attaining Godly stature, Newton still stands a manifest of magnificience, and holds the charter for the greatest succesful fraud of time immemorial. The new scientific age proclaims, "Your theory is crazy... But is it crazy enough?"

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PS: I apologise for all the blasphemous ad hominems these fictitious claims aim at Newton. At heart, I still worship the scientific genius of the man. And always will. "Heil Newton!">